My Dearest

I am sorry that everything didn't go as we planned. I am sorry I wasn't there for you. I am sorry I couldn't do anything to make it better. Those (hopefully) comforting words, those endless 'how's, those seemingly annoying chats, that's all I have to show you that I care. I am sorry for your tears, but you've done so well and you've tried so hard. There's no need to be so hard on yourself.

I'm being overly dramatic here. But damn you had no idea how worried I was. I was helpless, and it pained me. This is hard, I know. But, please be strong. There will be light at the end of the tunnels, you just need to walk a little further.

Then you'll be alright. I'm sure you will.
Because all is well.

It's Just a Little Shit Talking, Nothing Important

One day after my prom, I went for a one-night-and-two-days trip to Lampung. With my father. By train. It was an okay trip I guess, considering I was so gloomy back then, with prom, graduation, my friends went away one by one, and all that stuff. The trip was proven to be good to me. It gave me time to put my thoughts and feelings in order.

I was on my way to a beach when I saw a local man riding his bike carrying two cages of birds. Supir kita bilang burung itu ditangkap dari hutan di sekitar pantai, nantinya untuk dibawa ke kota, dijual. Bapak saya bilang burung seharusnya dibiarkan terbang bebas, bukan dikurung dalam sangkar. Dia cerita gimana koleganya yang pelihara burung pasang jaring-jaring pembatas, seperti yang biasa kita lihat di kebun binatang, di halaman rumahnya, supaya burung-burung peliharaanya bisa terbang bebas. It sounds like a good idea, huh. Tapi bukankah itu cuma sangkar yang sedikit lebih besar? Dia cuma memberi burung-burung itu lahan yang lebih luas untuk terbang, membuat mereka berputar-putar di tempat yang sama lalu menyebunya kebebasan.

Menurut saya kita, manusia, selalu punya tendensi untuk memiliki, mengklaim sesuatu. Mungkin karena kita makhluk-makhluk kecil di dunia yang terlalu besar dan membutuhkan sesuatu untuk meyakinkan diri bahwa kita superior. Bahwa meskipun kita tidak selalu bisa mengatur segala hal, kita bisa memiliki apa yang bisa dimiliki. Dari binatang peliharaan, uang, pakaian, rumah, pasangan, hingga kepercayaan. Kita punya begitu banyak alat untuk menunjang eksistensi kita di dunia, mengklaim segala sesuatunya, sehingga kita lama lupa bahwa kita lahir tanpa punya apa-apa. Kita lupa semua yang kita punya tidak selamanya ada. Dan ketika kita dilucuti dari semua itu, kita pincang.

Berapa banyak politisi yang jadi gila ketika gagal punya jabatan dan jadi kaya? Berapa banyak perempuan yang bunuh diri karena lelakinya lari entah ke dunia bagian mana? Berapa banyak pemuka agama yang ngamuk ketika kepercayaannya dipertanyakan? Berapa banyak keluarga yang tidak lagi bersama karena ribut masalah harta? Kita berpegang pada hal-hal yang kita punya kuat-kuat, mempertahankannya sepenuh hati, tapi untuk apa ketika nantinya semua itu pun tidak bertahan selamanya?

Mungkin kita mencari sesuatu untuk dimiliki, untuk dijadikan pegangan. Alasan. Sesuatu yang kita lindungi, yang dijaga dan dipertahankan. Mencari kegiatan, supaya tidak jadi seonggok daging dan tulang ngalor-ngidul di muka bumi tanpa punya apa-apa, tanpa tahu mau ngapain.

Saya nggak tahu inti dari postingan ini apa. Saya juga nggak tahu dari tadi saya ngomong apa. Semua ini cuma ocehan abal-abal bocah ingusan yang sebal melihat burung dalam sangkar. Jangan dianggap serius. Saya cuma membual.

Cleaning Up

So I've removed many posts here, leaving only thirty-something left for you to read. It turned out that I love this blog too much to actually shut it down. I felt like cheating though, removing all those old posts. But it's necessary. And it's a good change too. Now you didn't have to read all those silly, emo, and alay posts huh? :)

Random Thoughts

I've been thinking of shutting down this blog. Like, making it private or something.

I just found out that there's a 'whistle blower' that read these things I write here. It's not that I am ashamed of what I write, no. It's just that, these posts, these thoughts of mine, well let's just say that they are not something that the whistle blower & friends will agree with.

So yeah. You see, I hate unnecessary conflicts. My thoughts are unconventional, yes. And it sure will cause a mess when the whistle blower tell his friends about it. And to prevent that, I think it'll be best if I just shut down this blog.

I still don't know what will I do though. Either change my address, delete old posts, or simply shut this down and make it private. There will be a few changes, definitely. And I won't post anything until then.

Kembali

Mimpi adalah jalan untukku kembali padamu yang telah pergi
Dalam realita yang kurajut dari keping-keping asa, aku menemukanmu yang lama hilang
Tangan yang lama menggenggam hampa kini mampu merengkuhmu meski semu
Hati yang lama sepi kini hidup kembali meski dibatas durasi
Aku menemukanmu kembali meski dalam mimpi
Namun semua ini rapuh, simpul-simpul yang kujalin tidak bertahan abadi
Kadang mesti kuakhiri perjumpaan meski seluruh serat tubuhku masih rindu berpeluk
Maka ketika yang tertinggal hanya kenangan samar akan pertemuan sementara, aku lara luar biasa
Jadi kunanti ketika pekat menyergap mematikan rasa dan tak lagi terjaga
Di sana sekali lagi kutemukan jalan kembali padamu yang lama tak kujumpa
Sampai saat itu aku akan sabar menanti
Sampai nanti bertemu lagi
Dalam mimpi atau mati

(Untuk mimpi yang membawa harapan semu. Karena terbangun dan meraih dalam gelap untuk sesuatu yang tidak kembali, bukan hal yang bisa dinikmati)

A Birthday That Will Never Be

Happy 51st Birthday

I miss you more than anything

I wish I could still say that to you

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Random Talk

It's Sunday night, and Sunday nights always suck. I mean, it's the end of your weekend, tomorrow is Monday, and everyone hates Monday for the obvious reasons, so yeah Sunday nights suck.

Anyway.

I'm not going to write anything important in this post, just scrapes from my daily life so you can skip this if personal entry isn't your thing.

So I have this recent addiction to StumbleUpon. This app is just perfect! I can spend hours just browsing through their pages. I currently have 113 interests, and yes I know that's a lot but I just can't help it! There's just so many fascinating things you can find on the internet, and I just want to see it all, as much as possible.

My username is ollapalooza. You can follow me, or not. Because I don't really care cause it ain't twitter.

Another thing that I'm addicted to is Ellen Degeneres Show. Here in my country, the most popular talk show host is perhaps Oprah, because her show aired on one of our national television channel. Ellen Show is not available here, and it's understandable of course, with my country being somewhat conservative and (pretend to be) religious, while Ellen on the other side being openly lesbian celebrity and her open support on equality for same-sex couple. I won't talk about this issue here, because I have seriously long opinions about this matter, but I just wanna said that I do support LGBT. I'm not one of them, but I support equality for all human being regardless their sexual preferences. And I do think that people who think otherwise are hypocrite. But that beside the point.

The Ellen Show is amazing! Once you watch one video, you just can't stop watching for more. Ellen Degeneres is probably the funniest, kindest, most amazing woman in the world. Or in the entertainment industry. Yeah, whatever.

Anyway, she's really great. She's a great interviewer, she does stand-up monologues, she helps many schools in need, she has the greatest and funniest games ever, and she gives out the most amazing gifts to her audiences. Just go ahead and watch her on YouTube.

I'm also currently in love with Doodle God. It's a puzzle game for smart phones and computer. You play it by combining available elements in order to get new elements. For example, if you combine Earth and Fire you'll get Lava. When you put Human and Knowledge you get Book, and so on. There are many other games that similar to Doodle God, like Doodle Devil, Doodle Farm, Alchemy, and Inceptio, and they're all addicting! Well, but this is just me and my taste on, what my classmates said, 'mengasah otak' games.

My last addiction is, surprisingly enough, Big Bang. It all started when one of online journal that I follow wrote about Fantastic Baby MV. Now that my liking towards Kpop only limited to Super Junior and DBSK, I usually refuse to pay attention to any other groups. But with this recent condition about soon-to-be-held SS4 INA and how I can't watch it (Yes, I won't. Let's not talk about it. It huuuuuuurts), I think listening to other group might help me get over it. So I watched the MV, and I like it, and it stuck on my head for days, and then I started to watch some more. Variety shows, solo project, CF, documentary, the usual. And I enjoy it. Some of their songs are a bit too flashy for my liking, but aren't the boys fun to watch! I fell for GD instantly, but T.O.P is hilarious. That sneaking-part on Strong Heart? I literally rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off. Oh, and yesss he's unbelievably handsome too, damn it. And that voice is just so...

Oh, and GD & T.O.P did a song with Pixie Lott. Yes, the amazing Pixie Lott. For real. The song's called Dancing On My Own. I really like it. I love Pixie Lott, and for her collaborating with GD & T.O.P that's just plain amazing. And the boys' English is so good I'm amaze.

Someone already uploaded it here.